Dear Wicked Mir,
My friend and I greatly enjoyed your recent introductory class. Now, I'm writing you hoping that you could suggest some more resources (people or places [actual/virtual]) that I could go to learn more about Domination/ing (?), as again several guys have repeatedly told me that I am natural Dominator (?) and that this is something that I should explore both for my own pleasure and the good of the community.
Many thanks for your continued time and help,
P.S. It really was wonderful to meet you and hear you speak so passionately about something that you're genuinely excited about - keep it up!
Dear Dominator –
Thank you very much for your questions! I’m so glad you found the Kink 101 class useful.
You’re correct in remembering that I didn’t start my kink journey as a dominant. I did a lot of sensation play throughout my adult life, and entered my first D/s relationship as a submissive in my late twenties. Several years later I apprenticed with a Dom woman I admired, and slowly began to get my sea legs as a dominant.
I’ll be honest – it was hard at first! I felt self-conscious in the beginning, and it took time to build my confidence. What finally got me past that hurdle was getting over my internalized idea of “what a Dom should look like,” and instead exploring the things that personally excited me. In the beginning, I was hung up on what I thought a “real” dominant needed to do – make my own toys, for example, or build expertise in flogging. And honestly, I wasn’t very good at those things. (I have terrible depth perception, and over a dozen years later rarely use a flogger!) Once I discovered my own passion for rope bondage and canes, I developed the skills and confidence that formed a foundation for my own style of nurturing, sadomasochistic dominance.
In your letter, you mention kink as “something that I should explore both for my own pleasure and the good of the community.” That may be true! But based on my own experience, I’d suggest starting with the parts that give you pleasure. This may sound selfish, but it’s truly the opposite. Once you figure out what excites and pleases you, you’ll be able to build a style of dominance which is truly your own. And that’s what’s good for the community!
There are several excellent books that I really like for dominants, including Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy’s The Topping Book and the new Heart of Dominance by Society of Janus mentorship director Anton Fulmen. Both of those are written from a pansexual perspective, meaning that they attempt to be inclusive of a variety of gender pairings. There are also several books written from the gay leather perspective. I’m a big fan of Jack Rinella’s The Master’s Manual. I like these books because they share a sense of humor and a light touch about the path the dominant walks, and they all center relationships, connection and mutuality as core to Dominant/ submissive relationships.
There are also a few discussion groups and meet ups for dominants in the SF Bay Area, which you can find listings for on Erobay.com or FetLife. Check out the Dominant Discussion Group on the fourth Monday at the SF Citadel as a great resource for mixed groups, or the Leathermen’s (or Young Leathermen’s) Discussion Group for a wide variety of discussion topics relevant to the gay leather scene.
The Society of Janus also have a mentorship program. You can connect with dominant mentors by attending one of their events - including the one we host at Wicked Grounds every third Tuesday at 7:30pm. One of the things I really like about the SoJ mentorship program is they always pair “like with like” – so as an aspiring dominant you’d be paired with another dominant. The focus is on pairing you with someone who has walked in your shoes and can give advice from that perspective.
Thanks again for your questions and good luck on your journey!
PS: Hey readers! Have other suggestions? Make ‘em in the comments below!
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