Last week's Ask WickedMir column is now available!
Want to see new columns as soon as they're posted? Just subscribe to our Patreon at the $5/month level or higher to support our new education projects, and get each week's column as soon as it's posted!
Do you have a question for WickedMir? Just send it to AskWickedMir@gmail.com to have your question answered in a future column.
I’ve been having trouble meeting someone in the local scene, but last month I met someone online who seemed to be great. It’s long distance for now, but we’ll see.
He brings out a side of my submission that I’ve never really explored before, and I feel like our dynamic touches something in me that no one else ever has. I feel extremely vulnerable with him, and I’m looking forward to being his girl.
But I’m also super frustrated. My Dom was supposed to call me tonight, and he didn’t. Finally, I decided to stop waiting around all day. Later I got a text apologizing and saying he couldn’t talk, but it was too little too late. He did pretty much the same thing when he skipped one of our calls a couple of weeks ago, we talked about it for a long time (I was pretty upset). He said he didn’t get why it bothered me so much, but swore it wouldn’t happen again. Now, here we are.
I know he’s busy with his job, and the time difference makes it harder, but this really needs to stop. How do I get him to respect our call times? How do I deal with my disappointment when he doesn’t? Am I making too much of this?
I’m afraid that I won’t find anyone else who brings out this side of me, but I seriously can’t take the ghosting. Help!
(She/ her pronouns)
Dear Ghosted –
I can see why you’re frustrated! Just a few weeks in, and this guy is already breaking his promises.
This guy feels like an awful lot of work. I’m not impressed that he’s taking you to vulnerable places in your submission but not meeting his commitments to you. D/s dynamics are built on a foundation of trust, and you’re already worried that he won’t be there when you need him.
First off, you’re not making too much of this. Whether nightly calls are this guy’s thing, and whether someone else might need it, are irrelevant. Nightly calls are what YOU need to feel comfortable going deeper into this dynamic and this relationship. You have the right to ask for what you need.
As far as getting him to respect the call times, I’m not sure you can. You’re very early on in this relationship. This is the time when someone who is really into you is going to be on their best behavior and trying to impress. The fact that this guy is already failing to honor his commitments to you is not a good sign. As the great Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
Personally, I think the best way to deal with your disappointment right now is to get good and disappointed! Your disappointment is information: a sign that this agreement was important to you and that you’re not okay being ghosted again only a couple of weeks after he promised not to. I’m a huge fan of the advice site Captain Awkward . Over there, they have something they call the “Sheelzebub Principle,” which basically states: “If things stayed exactly like they are, would you stay: Another month? Another 6 months? Another year? Another 5 years? How long?” Since you can’t make anyone change, and since this guy has already shown you who he is, the only real question is: how long is this tolerable for you?
But beyond your questions, I want to take a step back and look at this whole dating-and-meeting people thing.
From my perspective, what’s happening now – and the fact that it’s happening so soon – is actually A Good Thing. Dating and the early stages of relationships are all about discovery: what you learn about the folks you’re dating, and what you learn about yourself.
You’ve only been involved with person for one month, and you’ve learned some valuable information.
You’ve learned that – at least at this stage in your journey – you need regular check-ins with your Dom to feel safe exploring your submission and vulnerability. That’s valuable information, and there’s no need to compromise on your needs around this.
And, you’ve learned that no matter how good his intentions are, and despite you asking clearly, this guy can’t give you the regular check-ins you need. He doesn’t see the importance of check-ins, and he’s not making them a priority. It’s not that he’s a bad person, or a bad Dom. He’s just not a good fit for you or your needs. That’s good to know!
Most exciting, you’ve learned that you’re interested in going deeper into submission and vulnerability than you have before, and you’ve discovered a new side of yourself that you’re interested in exploring further. While this may have started with your new Dom, it doesn’t have to end there! Your kinky and D/s experiences belong to you, and are part of your birthright as a kinkster. Make a commitment to yourself to explore this further on your own or with someone who’s a better fit for you – you deserve it!
My advice? Take what you’ve learned, trust that the right Dom for you is out there, and go fish!
Very best –
PS: And seriously, go binge read Captain Awkward!